Saturday, September 17, 2011

I'm an emotional wreck.

I can pretend I'm not, but what's the point? For some strange reason I've felt that if I didn't blog about it or talk about it, it'd go away. And that if I didn't blog about fertility issues I wouldn't have them. I apparently don't learn. Ignoring things doesnt make them go away and I started this blog because on some level talking about things makes them easier to cope with.

I found a puppy. Well, a dog. I didn't even want to take him home. We found him a great home and then I was head over heels obsessed and can't get him out of my head. He was sweet and certainly adored me, but hes at a good home and I'm not being honest with myself. This isn't just about the dog.

All week I've had every pregnancy symptom I remember; Ib, fatigue, nausea. Sunday I literally NEEDED to hold something. Only I'm not pregnant. I know this because every day for the last 4 days I've woken up to a test that says so. Oh, and then there's the whole period thing. Still, I'm evidently not convinced.

I've been on a little bit of a high horse I think. While I've never claimed infertility was easy, I've wished a thousand times for that over losing my pregnancies. I'm not losing anything right now, but try telling my heart that. So my emotions tell me these feelings are because I gave away a little puppy who loved me more than anyone else. And my emotions tell me it's because the grave stone guy still won't deliver Taylors stone. I don't deny these things are sad, but I'm being dishonest to deny it's because I was (am?) convinced.
Completely convinced.

I miss my baby. I miss my little dog. I miss believing that Someday we'd have a family. I'm a wreck.

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