So Friday we were cleared for a cycle, did the ultrasound, wrote the out the prescriptions, made the appointments... and canceled.
But it wasn't that simple.
The problems actually started early this week. I emailed to let my nurse know I had started a new cycle on Monday. And I didn't hear back. So I called and emailed Tuesday. Nothing. Wednesday, nothing. Thursday I called the front desk and asked if she was on vacation or something because I couldn't reach her. "No, she's right here would you like to speak to her?" I wasn't very happy, but took the last available appointment on Friday even though I told her it'd be tight for me to get there.
And it was. And there traffic, an accident, etc. I was about 20 minutes late and felt terrible. My husband reminded me that at every appointment we've waited 30 minutes for the doctor so I called, calmed myself down and got there was quickly as I could. The nurse made a snide comment about my arrival time. I took a deep breath and let it go.
So the ultrasound was great. I had a bunch of questions for the doctor but she kept grabbing the door handle and saying the nurse would be in to talk to me. Eventually I got most of them answered, but still no great resolution on the heparin. She said 'let's try to get you pregnant this cycle and if it doesn't work, we'll add it next month, it's an expensive medication." So I stopped her, reminded her I get pregnant SUPER easy, miscarriage is my issue also that if it was just cost, I'd rather pay it than have another mc and regret not taking it. She nodded absently and said with insemination I had better odds. At which I stopped her and reminded her we WERE NOT DOING INSEMINATION. She picked up the chart, glanced at it casually and said, "that's what it says here." The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, but I calmly told her we had always contended that we weren't doing insemination and didn't even want to discuss it at yet. She shrugged and left, leaving the rest of my questions unanswered.
I cleaned up and went to meet the nurse. They put me in a conference room near the receptionist who was freaking out. Summary: they were short staffed, couldn't get all the labs sent out and calls answered, no one was working together, it was chaos and was making me super anxious and upset.
The nurse eventually showed up with prescriptions and authorizations for me to sign, for an IUI cycle!!! Then I started to flip. As she went through the medications, all of the research I've been doing began swimming around in my head. In particular how dr. god had mentioned she didn't want to do heparin because she didn't like to 'overmedicate' but that every medication they were giving me (clomid with a 10 day trigger shot) seemed focused on making me ovulate which I do at a champ.
"I don't understand why I need a trigger shot, I ovulate fine on my own."
"So all your eggs will be released at the same time to increase the odds of the insemination working."
"I'm not doing an insemination!"
She leaves, comes back and says I still need the trigger shot. I don't know why, couldn't sort it out. I was drained and couldn't argue anymore. They sent me to check out. As we are checking out, the receptionist hands me an IUI authorization and price form. My patience was shot, but so was my energy, so I just slumped forward and told her I wasn't doing IUI. Now this woman was stressing me out, but she jumped on the problem, hopping up to go talk to the doctor and nurse. She came back, I kid you not, with IVF forms.
The only reason I'm at this doctors office is because my insurance will cover a TI cycle here. Well, after this appointment I realized it's not worth it to me. My doctor wants to get me pregnant, she seems to have absolutely no clue that I'm a RPL patient NOT a standard IF patient.
So we sat down and talked about it, and I'm not going back. I will not go to a doctor who refuses to listen to me at all. I'm disappointed, but I feel better. Today I'm going to draft her a letter (which she probably won't read) detailing why I won't be back.
I know we made the right choice. I don't want to add the stress of a doctor I hate to an already stressful situation. I know I need to listen to my heart and my husband, but my brain and biological clock are so damn loud sometimes it's easy to block out intuition.
I could really use a hug. I think I'll head over to the cemetery today and just be.