Infertile

I said it out loud for the first time a few days ago to my husband.  I said it as nonchalantly as I could manage, and in our typical morbid joke fashion.  I needed to say it, and I thought it would pass mostly unnoticed.

He stopped and looked at me. "I don't like that word."

I don't blame him, I don't like it either.  But for us, at least for now it's a fact.  I keep trying to hedge.  "Oh, next time will be different." "They didn't find anything wrong, so we just got unlucky." etc etc.  Maybe that's how I cope, but I know deep down, I know.

My transition from 'loss' to 'ALI' has been mostly a mental change, followed by a perspective switch.  And honestly, it feels better here in a lot of ways.  Much like it felt better to be an an RE's office than an OBGYN's.  I don't want to be here, and neither does anyone else, but more than any one else, we get it.

I just hope that this state is temporary.