I said it out loud for the first time a few days ago to my husband. I said it as nonchalantly as I could manage, and in our typical morbid joke fashion. I needed to say it, and I thought it would pass mostly unnoticed.
He stopped and looked at me. "I don't like that word."
I don't blame him, I don't like it either. But for us, at least for now it's a fact. I keep trying to hedge. "Oh, next time will be different." "They didn't find anything wrong, so we just got unlucky." etc etc. Maybe that's how I cope, but I know deep down, I know.
My transition from 'loss' to 'ALI' has been mostly a mental change, followed by a perspective switch. And honestly, it feels better here in a lot of ways. Much like it felt better to be an an RE's office than an OBGYN's. I don't want to be here, and neither does anyone else, but more than any one else, we get it.
I just hope that this state is temporary.