Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Tears & Fears

This is my first pregnancy since I was officially diagnosed with RPL.  I knew there was a problem after my first miscarriage.  Just in that 'this isn't going to be so simple' sort of way.  After my second, I was still at least partially convinced it was a fluke.  I mean, everyone told me I was just unlucky the first time.  And we found out SO early the second time....  "Twenty years ago you would have no no way to even know you were pregnant yet."  Maybe... but I knew I was before the test told me.  My last pregnancy, I was pretty much a wreck, but I was still convinced it could just be bad luck and she was going to be the baby I got to hold.

After my last miscarriage, it was abundantly clear to me (and FINALLY to my OBGYNs) that it was at least likely that there was some kind of underlying problem.  RPL.  We tested, and tested, and I lost enough blood to feed a small army of vampires.  We still have no answers as to what is wrong, so we have no solutions on how to fix it.

So why am I so optimistic?  Is it because it's so different?  I've always known I was pregnant, and I had my suspicions early on, but three days before it was time to test I was 100 percent positive I wasn't. No bleeding, no soreness, no headaches.  But a second line and steadily rising HGC confirm that I am indeed pregnant.

My treatment isn't all that different than before.  Pro.metrium (given I'm taking 300 percent more...), vitamin B (LOTS of vitamin B), baby aspirin, DHA, prenatals.  I do feel more at home with my RE than I ever felt with my OBGYN.  I mean, I barely have had time to get worried about what was going on (I'm lying, I think) before it was time to go in for another test and it's ALWAYS the doctor who calls with the results, always the same day.

But I haven't latched on yet.  I can't blame myself.  And it's not that I'm expecting failure, but every time I find out I'm not bleeding, it's a little more like happy surprise than desperate relief.  I'm not explaining it well.  I almost didn't start a new blanket... but I did.  Not acknowledging this pregnancy will not make a loss, if a loss it will be, easier to bear.  But holding back my internal dialogue with baby and myself regarding baby until a ultrasound confirmation is a necessary precaution for me right now.

I know the Tears & Fears will come in full force soon, I'm a bit surprised they aren't here yet.  But for now I just hum "row row row your boat" in my head sometimes and imagine I'm just a content little row boat on a gentle stream...

Monday, March 26, 2012

Quick Update

Beta is up to 513.  The doctor seems satisfied.  Next blood work on Wednesday.  It's going to be a long week.

Fingers, toes, hairs, all crossed. Even considering praying.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Little skinny positive

Because I'm taking progesterone, my instructions were to test before stopping to induce a new cycle.

For me, the test was a formality this month.  Timing hadn't worked out, I was feeling fine... 

"Aren't you going to look?" my husband asked me while I ran around our bathroom getting ready.
"You can look if you want, it's negative."  As I rushed into the closet.
I came out a few minutes later to see him staring at the test.  "Well?"  "I don't know..."

But it was there.  A little tiny pink line.  After so many miscarriages it's hard to express much emotion at a positive pregnancy test.  Especially such a wimpy little one.  

Follow up blood work shows I'm pregnant, at least for now.  

Please hold?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


To be perfectly honest, I considered withdrawing my intent to participate in ICLW after 'the situation.'  But in the end, my goals to reach out, to be honest about where and how I am, and to connect outweighed my discomfort and desire to withdraw.  Or at least I'm trying to convince myself they did.

Me in a short paragraph?  Well, I'm a career girl who thought she'd be content with that until she met prince charming.  A few months into our marriage we were ecstatic about a surprise pregnancy.  A few months later, we lost our baby.  A total of three miscarriages and more tests that I can count later, I'm not sure what my future holds anymore.  Hopped up on hormones and with more needle marks in my arm than your local junkie sometimes my personal life feels like a swirling abyss of maybe and what ifs and hopes and fears. 

But I'm trying.  I'm battling the threatened depression in everyway I know.  From exercise, to sleep, to a daily 'sunshine' bath, I'm not going down without a fight.

So Welcome.   

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Nothing much to say

I'm still here, I just don't have much to say lately.  If it's a medication side effect or just my mood, I've been pretty bitchy lately and have been doing my best not to spew my venom on the unsuspecting.

So, yeah.  Here.  Kind of.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Medication Issues, advice anyone

I'm sure lots of other's have experience taking pro.metrium.  My doctor prescribed it for the second half of my cycle each month.  I take 100 mg four times a day.

And it makes me sick.

In fact, my side effects are almost identical to first trimester pregnancy symptoms (and no, I'm not currently pregnant, so I know it's not that yet).  Everything from exhaustion, to nausea, to incredibly vivid dreams.

Eating seems to help, but not always.  The side effects seem to be worse from about 20 minutes after I take a pill to an hour after.  By the time I feel good again, it's usually time for the next dose.  

Anyone have any advice?   

Monday, March 5, 2012

Somewhere I belong

I'm having a crudy day.

Working double shifts isn't helping.  Listening to angry music by Linkin Park probably isn't helping either.

The fact is, that song speaks to me right now.  Because I don't know where I belong, and I want to.

A frighteningly large portion of my self identity has been swallowed by my journey into 'faux motherhood' if you will.  Career woman?  Kinda.  Mother.  Faux.  IF? Apparently.

I've had a lot of heartache and very little success from sharing in general  .  The current debate within the latest group I've tried to share with isn't helping.

I just feel a bit lost.  Like I'm grasping at straws trying to figure out where to ask for help.  Or what help I even need.